I had been lost.... but

Thank you Vera,
it was heartening to read your comment.
So what has happened? Well, life, family, jam-making, photography, cooking, work, work, work.

I am sitting at my desk. There are some spaces in this room, but not as many as I would like. I still imagine the tidying-up fairy is going to appear, and sort me out. Maybe I need a PA, and I can go around being creative and making things, and the resulting mess can be tidied up by another, who doesn't mind, isn't emotionally involved with the chaos, and who ruffles my hair, and says - "never mind dear - you have fabulous things to create".

How sad am I? How sad is this that I reach this point and still I'm unable to get my act together. I am good at my work, at my art, with my imagination - I have been known to be good with people, unless I am not being good with people.

I would love to write a book, but seriously would I get beyond the first chapter? Or would I start a new one two years later. Hah! My computer littered with half written stories, poems, paragraphs. All from different stages of my life. Once I thought I should put them all together, and make a play/film with them. I can make films, I can make theatre and art - I cannot however get beyond the first chapter of novel.

This leads me on to my inability to read. I used to manage it very well. I still love books, but now I buy them because I long to get stuck between the covers, I long to be lost in the pages, and surrounded by the words. But it is not happening.

Tonight, in this moment I am happy to be writing, and not thinking to much.
Tomorrow is another day, and another leaf with be turned over.

In conclusion.
1. I have been turning over new leaves since I was 8.
2. I have become a great jam maker this year.
3. My oldest boy, thinks mess is great. Not sure that is a good thing. I don't like it myself.
4. My middle boy likes order, my little girl creates beautiful chaos wherever she goes.

So to the new day, to the new tomorrow.
I will be back.
To Vera - thank you for being a lovely voice to read.
To anyone who is a chaotic as me. Blimey it takes so much effort.
To anyone. Is there an answer to this?

Love
C x

Loser!

Yesterday the spirit of organisation happened upon me, like magic, as I was in the kitchen. The result - a drawer emptied of cables, old negatives, old (I mean old), sunglasses, seeds, gardening kits, old batteries, recharging kits etc. I should list all the items, make an art work out of them, fill an empty space with lists of the items they could contain. Like ghost clutter. A thought.

I mentioned this blog to someone recently - she was confused. Why was a writing when I could be tidying! Oh well.

I do hope to do this soon.
This is for Theresa who told me off yesterday.

I'm back

Oh my goodness. Time has passed. Two months - or maybe more. But here I am back on course. I was a tad distracted. The house is tidyer than it was when I started, but I have to be honest, I stopped. As you know when you stop it is soooo hard to start again. But slowly I am back.

Been working, been on holiday, been making, been baking. No - I lie, I haven't been baking. Just preparing the usual meals.

Today - What have I done. It is saturday, tidied Kitchen, went to the park, did some painting, and now I am about to finish the bedroom.

Yada yada yada.
Sadly I lost my few followers - well I have two left.

Sometimes I feel like I set myself up to fail. I felt imprisoned by the v
very blog and task I had set myself. Even though my relationship, my life etc - Was so much better for it, I felt like a fourteen year old. Why should I have to do this? Almost overwhelmed by it all again.

It feels better again.

Coincidentally (or maybe not) I stopped after visiting my parents.
I won't say too much more.

About time I grew up.

Onwards and ever onward.

This method works, and I am happy to get back on track.

Stasis

Oh blog, oh how I have missed you. It feels good to be tap tap tapping on the keyboard.

Current status - overwhelmed and over delivering workwise, and family wise, but under delivering domestic wise. Does that make sense? What I am trying to say is that I have had a domestic blip. I was doing so well, and now I feel a little like I have taken a detour, and I want to get back on track.

Start today.
No procrastination.
But first I must go to sleep.
So in fact I will start tomorrow.
Except my youngest has to go into hospital for an op :-(

No excuse.
I will do my 15 minutes, and I will report back.

Too many books

Is it possible to have too many books?
I think we may have too many books.
I love books, j loves books, the kids love books.
The thing is, I believe the children would treasure them more if they felt they were really special. It is a tricky one really, because they adore them, and I don't want to give away books they want to look at.

We haven't got lots, we have 1000's. Well a 1000 or so.

I feel so much better to day.
My office is looking better by the day, the boys room is unrecognisably tidy. What I want to achieve though is more than tidying.
I can only do this bit by bit.
I am so glad that this is day 40 rather than day one.

Happy weekend.
Hope it snows again tomorrow.

Day 38

Sigh.
I am finding it really hard to keep this going. During the week I am so tired trying to juggle work, children and life. I know that it is making a difference, but I want to find the fun in it, and I can't at the moment. Probably thinking too hard.

Yesterday the school was shut because of the snow. Fabulous. I took the kids sledging.
Magical, and wonderful and free. That is what life should be like.

Maybe I should live in a treehouse.
Maybe I was kidnapped as a child, and I really am from the aristocracy, and need staff to organise my life.

Anyone fancy being staff?
Payment in accordians, snowstorms, and photography.

Now to the point.
The big clean up; the big project.

Yesterday organised O's desk, and the boxes by it. Brought art stuff down stairs, and the cupboard that used to be full of baby paraphenalia is now organised with art materials.

Today spent half an hour cleaning up my office/study/room.
Maybe tomorrow if I am feeling really brave I will post a before picture.

Today it snowed

and snowed and snowed. Tomorrow it will snow some more, and the kids and I don't have to go to school.
Instead we will lie in, do art things, watch dvds, eat pop corn - oh yes I forgot, we will also do a bit of crazy sorting.

Just a little bit.

Sunday did O's desk. It took 2 hours!
I feel like curling up and going to bed, it is so early too. What is wonderful is that I don't have to wish for the grill pan fairy.

This project has taken quite a bit of stress out of my life.
The question is am I turning into my parents?

I keep on remembering when one of my closest friends thought it would be really funny to invite people to see my bedroom, during a party I had (this was years ago). I was furious, I was mortified, I was embarrassed. It was like my darkest secret being revealed. Like being naked in front of strangers. She hadn't realised what a problem it was for me. She just thought it was funny.

We are still friends.

Robin Hood and his Merry Men

Take three small children, a room stuffed to the gunnels; a room that looks like the spot where Santa's sleigh crashed, and me!

Big job here.
Child number one loves mess, so he tells me.
Child number two likes order,
Child number three is an adorable whirlwind.

The task here is empty the dressing up cupboard, which also has old paintings, long forgotten boxes of stuff, and binliners full and labelled with 'Not jumble - Summer clothes'. I am very ashamed to say that the "not jumble' has been there for so long that it is now Jumble.etc etc etc.

So that was my task. I initially involved the children, but in the end they decided that dressing up was so much more fun, than tidying up.
I can't help but agree with them.

So finally it was me, a knight in shining armour, and scooby doo working hard to complete the task.

Scooby Doo is now asleep (it is only 10.45 am), the knight is roaming around chasing dragons, and child number 1 escaped to play the violin.

Task completed.

Only 11 months to go.

Celebration - One month on

I feel like running in a field of corn, in a white dress and wellies. I do live in the uk, it can be a little damp under foot.

I feel like spinning around with sparklers in my hand.

I feel like having a party.

I have been doing this for a month, and I haven't given up.

It is working.

Happy, happy, happy!

15 minutes and one clothes rail

The final link in the chain of bedroom tidying.

The clothes rail. Always useful for hanging clothes on or in my case throwing clothes over and under. So tonight I thought, what should I do? Should I do nothing? I felt like doing nothing. I almost did nothing. But I have to do this. So I gave myself 15 minutes to do the clothes rail.
I switched the radio on, threw all the clothes on my bed. Put in jumble the ones that I never wear; the mistaken hormonal purchase, the rather disgusting maternity trousers - yep - still there after 3 years (infact maybe they were the ones that I didn't wear during my last pregnancy, so infact have been hanging up - or rather, draped over the rail for 5 years!)

How bad does that sound.

I put on Radio 4, lit a smelly candle, sorted, cleared and tidied. Finished 1 hour later. I meant to do just 15 minutes, but really wanted the job to be done.

What would I have done if I hadn't have tidied? Well - eaten chocolate, surfed the web, face book, flickr, stumbled - lost myself in photographic processing.

Funny - I used to be slim and messy, now I am chubby and getting tidier every day. Not very sexy! I am getting boring?

Better chuck those chocolates out now.

The clothes rail. I love my clothes rail. J doesn't get it, being a more of an inbuilt cupboards kind of a guy, rather than a second hand vintage furniture gal like me. Bet he likes it better now though.

Ohhh - lovely to see some people are reading this.
Anyone know how I can reply to comments? I really appreciate them, but for some reason when I try to reply nothing appears.

Uninspired

It is tough sometimes.
Today the job was the kids cupboards.
I almost lost my hair, my will, I definitely lost my patience.
But
I did it.
I need to tell myself - "you're doing well". Write loads of crazy affirmations and stick them on the mirror. But then again I have always thought that kind of thing was a little bonkers.
I guess the reward is in the result.
God this is hard work sometimes.

Better go to bed.

Inspired..

I remembered something today after reading the comment on my last post. Something that I had felt a little ashamed of, but when I think about it, it makes me smile, so I'll share it here.

If you are reading this and are at one with me on this journey of mine than this little anecdote is for you (and for Rebekah of-course)

This takes place many moons ago, when I harbored dreams of a life on the stage, and was studying performing arts at uni. It was my first term, i was staying in halls, and hating every moment of it. One Friday I desperately wanted to go home. Home being a 6 hour train journey away.

I shoved enough clothes in the suitcase/rucksack and locked my door, ran to the station, jumped on the train.

When I got back on Monday, I was greeted by a serious (and very concerned) looking bursar.
"I have some really bad news for you"
My heart raced - I couldn't even imagine what this could be about.
"Your room has been ransacked!" He looked at me, trying to gage my reaction.
"We thought we would wait for you until we called the police.
The cleaners went in this morning and all your things are scattered across the room"

I ran upstairs to my tiny hutch of a room. One of the cleaners standing outside.
"I'll just have a look" I said
I felt this huge shame and embarrassment knowing what they might have come across.

I opened the door, and shut it behind me quickly.
Looking around I could see the chaos, the clothes everywhere. I had been in this huge rush and created a tornado like mess.

Opening the door to the bursar and cleaner I said.
"It's OK - nothings gone. Probably just a prank - I'll make sure I lock the door properly next time"
They looked bemused.
"No really I'm fine!"
"Ok then" The bursar said. "But if there is anything we can do, or if you change your mind, just call us"
"I will do."
I closed the door. Sat on my bed, and felt this mixture of humiliation, and relief.
I soon learnt to leave my bin outside the door, as this was a sign to the cleaners not to enter.

It is odd writing that. I realise retrospectively that I always made sure things were cleaned for others. My parents (who by the way are fanatically tidy), cleaners, visitors etc. What it has meant is that I have never developed a way of keeping things in order for myself.

Up to now.
Today I sorted out S's clothes, and involved him in the process. I sorted out the many 100's of books in the children's book case. I saw a friend, cleaned the kitchen, wrote some emails to work, cooked a Sunday roast, and now am writing this.

I feel positive; I feel like my life is changing, and best of all I feel it is possible to really change the bad habits of a lifetime. The tide is turning, and I have to make sure that I go with it.

It's soooo cold

I was wondering whether it is dull to write about tidying, whether in fact I should write about my 'exciting' life - but then who would I be writing for? This is like the diary that I never managed to keep. This time though, I am managing to keep it, because it is enabling me to keep on task. To do the job that I started.

I do have a little fear that maybe this will be the last thing I write. I know myself so well. SO many good intentions - I'll learn that instrument, I'll write that book, yada, yada, yada.

So who am I?

I used to lie in my bed and look at the mess I was drowning in, and shut my eyes, wishing and imagining how it would look if it was tidy. Then I would open my eyes and see the mess. Still there, nothing had changed, no tidy fairy had been. Now I think how lovely it is that I can lie in my bed (in my tidy room) and shut my eyes, imaging my room as it was, just to get the pleasure of opening them to the imperfect tidiness of it all.

Just watched Juno on DVD. So so good.
Witty, funny, beautifully filmed. Loved the casting too.

So back to the mess. What have I unmessed?
Did a few cupboards in the kitchen.
Working on the clothes rail in the bedroom.
Is it worth keeping some beautiful dresses that I haven't worn in 15 years? They are almost vintage. SO sad to see the moth damage. Damn moths.

About me.
My name is Carolyn.
I have 3 children.
Sometimes I look at them and think..
how did you lot get here?
Often I look at them and my heart melts, at their individual beautiful quirky selves.


I take pictures, make little films, do a bit of art and for b&b do some work with teachers and kids.
My life is very full. I love snow.
I love John too.

Cod philosophy

I remember someone me telling about a vase falling off a table in a house, in a dark and dense forest in the middle of nowhere, in a country on a distant Continent, and then presenting me with the question - how can I prove it exists? It went something like that, but my memory and recall are flawed.

This little thing, the vase smashing on the floor, with no-one to witness it, in a far-off land, reminds me of the drawer full of half remembered but more often forgotten items of lingerie, on top of which lie, odd socks, opaque tights, a stocking (a stocking!?) a couple of camisoles. Things that harp back to a life less complicated, and hidden in the darkness of the drawer in the tall boy.

These things cease to exist in my mind, the drawer remains unopened. No one knows about them, even I had forgotten. Until today.

I almost feel sorry for these poor old remnants of a life past.
Need to make them into life present.
Chuck out the too old, too grey, too small, too single, and restore to life the treasure hidden until now.

Bedroom almost complete.

Finally, I know that maybe I should record all this photographically, but I do feel ashamed. I also realise that without the evidence, I may retreat back to my old ways.
Kind of like a slimmer has a photo of their former selves on the fridge, as a deterrent.

Day 22 The fear

Last year I gave up sugar - well, actually two years ago I gave up sugar. This year I have embraced sugar, but given up messiness, and in the process am shedding piles of stuff, but am also gaining pounds.

Doh

Today - back to the very lovely bedroom. Oh it is so nice to have a lovely bedroom. A bedroom to sleep in, burn smelly candles in, have lovely sex in, read fabulous books in. Rather than a room to stumble into; to trip up in; to feel depressed and hopeless in; to keep the lights off in: to wish for the tidying up fairy in.

There is a part of me that fears what will happen if I give up my venture.
There is a part of me that realises the tidier the house the better the relationship.
There is a part of me that is shit scared that I am only loved at the moment because there is more space to do so. What happens when it gets filled up again.

So back to the venture.
Clutter to day - gone tomorrow - or rather transfered to charity shop and rubbish piles. Why is it sooo hard to get rid of clothes I have never worn? Or clothes that I have worn (20 years ago!).

Still, I managed to clear and re-organise three drawers of clothes, and P's clothes too.

H, if you read this, and I see you on Friday, there are some gorgeous clothes that you can take home with you.

Funny just thinking back to being so anxious before people came to visit. I am naturally gregarious but knowing that I would somehow have to create a space for them amidst the chaos, and attempt to tidy the chaos always filled me with dread.

People seeing my mess was/is a no-no! So ashamed I am of it. Actually it really isn't that bad now, that is apart from my office room space and the basement, and the kids room.

Another thing - I was always a shower girl, baths being too time consuming. I am now becoming bath girl, showers being too transient.

Ohhh do I have to?

bored, tired, fed up, blah, bleugh!
Nothing to say, nothing to write about. Finished work - made posters, arranged concerts, ran workshop.

Want to take photos.
Looked at old photos.
Did a bit of clearing, and now I'm going to bed.

The clearing

continues, but it is oh so much harder during a working week.
Progress though, and the bedroom is almost there.
I really do have to think back to when it was an almost overwhelming task. The irony is the more I do, the more I think needs doing.

Now its just the
Kids rooms
My Office
Hall way
Finish the Kitchen
The many thousands of books
oh no
I forgot....
The celler....
It's huge,
and it's stuffed to the gunnels.

I have given myself a year.

Tired tired tired tired

Almost didn't get into the blog to night. So many different passwords and mail addresses.

Big weekend
J is still away but will be back tomorrow night.
Jude and Mil came over which was lovely.
If you read this J and M - delightful to see you both.

So...
Tonight Sunday night.
I spent a while today wondering whether I should tidy or do prep for work tomorrow.
Ha!
I never thought tidying would become my displacement activity.
Work is normally my displacement.
I throw away loads of old bottles of water today - little S and P helped me.
I cannot believe we still have them. Actually ofcourse I can believe we have them. I stare at them every day.
Over 2 years ago our water was cut off and the waterboard gave us about 12 2litre bottles of water.
Water and bottles dispatched with.

Later it was my bedroom.
I should have taken some photos, but didn't. It is too scary to see the before.
Major tidying up. Dressing table done! Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.
What do you do with old perfume?
I cannot bare to part with it, particularly if it represents a time and an experience.

J's corner done too.
Almost there with the room.
Trying not to over do it otherwise I will be dispatched too.

How Rubbish

am I!!!!!
I haven't cleared an area for a couple of days. However the house is looking good, am clearing up rather than leaving stuff till later.

Work started again this week, and John is away (in Las Vegas), and the littlest one decided to be nocturnal. So my excuse is that I have been sleep deprived and over worked. Oh yes forgot just to add to it, a huge dose of PMT - resolved now!.

My challenge now is to find an area and clear it. Be back in half an hour.

Back!

An hour and 18 minutes later.
Whilst on task I started to think about the devices I use to enable myself to clear stuff. For example.
Time games.
Set the clock for 15 mins - seeing if I can clear the area in that time.
Putting music on that I love and that motivates me.
Putting radio 4 on.
Setting little tasks rather than big ones ie - clear a box, clear a top, clear a corner - rather than clear the room.

best of all it is working. It is not overwhelming, and it is working!
A lifetime of it not working too.
The trick is to keep breathing.
The trick is not to think to deeply.
The trick is live in the moment.

So I went to my bed room, and cleared a suitcase that had been by my bed for over a month - no - almost two months!(oh the shame). Children's clothes in it, my clothes in it, a bit of sand from a previous holiday in it etc etc.
Then on to some un-emptied clean washing bags, under the bed etc. Whilst radio 4 was on. No thinking allowed.

I did start to worry that maybe I would stop being able to do every thing I have been able to do; Like take pictures, make films, write plays. Then I stopped worrying.

Ohhhh I do worry.

Bear in mind whilst I write this that I sit in my untouched study room, which is packed to the gunnel's with bits, and rubbish.

This is next on the list.

Over and very much out.

This woman's not for turning!

I have not given up.
I have just not had the space in my head to notate the progress on the blog.
My head is full of fog, and my tummy full of potato's.

This endeavor makes the facts so much clearer. As my dearest friend Claire said, when I told her about my clearance plan - well you may be messy but you are also the best tidier I know.
In other words, I am either a chaotic slob (not my razor sharp mind though!), or an obsessive perfectionist. The obsessive perfectionist in me, usually comes out through my work, but has been known to make its presence felt when I have my very rare clearing sessions.

SO that is why I am doing this bit by bit. Bite sized chunks, day by day. It is working, and it is gratifying.

Yesterday it was the medicine cabinet (oh my god!) - Today it was the bedside, and that old cardboard box that has been there for so long, I could just through all the contents away.

That was a very special moment.

Bathrooms Smarthrooms

Not in the mood to write tonight.
Wasn't in the mood to tidy today.
Did a corner of the bathroom. The old wash stand, full of shampoos, lotions and potions.
Done and done and done.
I'm done.

Another day another cupboard

or rather - the black hole, the scary space, the spiders home. This cupboard, or rather hole in the ground was an unknown quantity. Not my rubbish, but as I started I had to finish.

Candles

Spiders

Tealights

spiders

webs

Reciepts

Bills

Photographs of ex girlfriends, and a life less encumbered.

Strange objects that have no description

light bulbs - eco and non eco

Spiders

this is getting boring.

Maybe tidying up and being more disciplined is boring.

Hadn't thought of that. I have always imagined that if everything was in order, and more minimal I would feel a sense of freedom, an escape from the prison of my own making.

That sounds a little melodramatic.

I will not get rid of my snow storms, or my 10 accordians, or my interesting discoveries.

John helped with the cupboard a bit later on, after I thrust a photo of an old girlfriend in front of him whilst he was on the phone to my mother.

The black hole is no longer, it is now a rather sad and empty (and rather lonely I think) space that is itching to be filled with something again.

Stepford Wives

Oh my god!
Just watched the original version of the Stepford Wives.
One of my all time favorites. Thing is I hadn't watched it for 10 years.


Hmm John does go to an awful lot of meetings.....
The protagonist is even a would be photographer.
Just waiting for the pneumatic body to arrive.
I am scared I am becoming a Stepford Wife!

Nice cup of coffee anyone?

Long live Slobbiness

An aside

Now there was this old chest of drawers. I bought it 18 years ago! Outside an old shop in Newcastle. It's been everywhere with me. Newcastle, Hull, Wales, Bradford. An old ( but to my eyes) beautiful chest of drawers. Last year I found my beautiful jumpers with holes in them inside my old chest of drawers. Pesky moths had got in. So I cleaned it out, and put sandlewood sticks and lavender sachets inside. Problem was, I had become blind to the outside of the drawers.

So that was my little job today.
And I did it,
and it didn't hurt,
and it didn't even take that long,
and I also found place to put the bits I didn't need to throw away.

I am enjoying this.

Happy New Year

Today I didn't empty anything! Maybe I will later. Instead I cooked, cleaned, wrapped presents, went on walks, had a little party, had a few guests and gave my loved one whos birthday it is a big kiss.

Enough already.

Happy January 1st!

I love new year. It is like new paper, new leaves, new life, new things. Full of potential, full of opportunity.